Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ad Infinitum





You know my life is a contradiction. I have struggled and sometimes made things harder then they had to be. I have also danced, been carefree and seen long days that seemed to never want to end. Days that were filled with music, magic, laughter, treasures and adventure. I have learned what real love is and what real love is not. I have felt the hardships and the beauty of this life. I have seen miraculous things and met fantastic caring people. There have been total strangers who have reached out and helped me when those closest to me closed their doors on me. I have seen rainbows and wept rivers.

Because of my trials I  have often tried to help make other peoples lives easier. I am passionate and usually let my heart lead me instead of my mind, which for me is lethal. Sometimes I did things which was my way of helping but instead I made it worse for the person I was trying to help. For this I am truly sorry; more then these people will know, can understand or sometimes accept.

It has been hard for me not to lose sight of who I am and who I have always wanted to be. It's even harder to not yearn for validation from the people I crave in my life.

My heart has been broken more then I imagined it ever could be and by people I never dreamt would hurt me. I thought some of these people would be with me until one of us passed into the next world and then I thought we would wait to be reunited once again. I expected eternity.

But people are just  people, I had no right expecting more then they could give me. In truth, sometimes they hurt me on purpose and sometimes they did not know they had hurt me. And, it was the same the other way around.

I have lost many people in my life to death. A couple of these people I  knew pretty well, however they never got to know me at all. Still, there were way more that I loved and loved me. One day, I hope to meet them again and be surrounded once more with the love I knew and want  back.

For now all I can do is go quietly about my life waiting for the next day and a new and bright beginning. I still love the people who feel they cannot love me. I miss them more then they know. However, I accept they are not a part of me anymore. Most of all I believe in my fairy tales and dream my day dreams. I dream of far away places, yet in truth I cannot see my life any different. Still, I expect my happily ever afters. This is because life is what you make it, no matter how hard it is, there is always beauty around you, if you look for it. Someday's it's harder to find the beauty because of the junk, but it's there.

I don't think my life has been wasted. I don't regret who I am, who I married or having my children. They are the most important people in my life and I love them with everything that I am. Even on the days they don't like me very much. I would change some things in my life but my immediate family would never be in those changes.

I can honestly say I don't hate anyone who has ever been a part of my life. There are a very few that I don't care to ever be in touch with again. Most of the people I don't keep up with, are out of my life simply because they don't care to be there. It is too hard to run after people who don't want me in their lives. I can tell when someone does not want me around. So usually, I slip away quietly and know it was a good thing because they never say- hey where'd you go? Sometimes but not as often I go away with fireworks, blasting my way out of lives simply because I hurt so bad I don't ever want to be tempted to go back to that situation again. In the past I often went back into these bad relationships mainly out of duty and love, only to get hurt over and over again. I have learned that a complete break is better in the long run.

I dream of winning the lottery not so much for me, but for the few I dearly love and care the most about. I want to fix things in their lives so they never have to hurt or struggle the way I have. I want to make their lives glorious. I do not want to be ms. popular or win their love by buying them things or smoozing them over. So, this isn't what I mean by fixing things. I don't want to say yeah I love you and then talk badly about them, as I have often seen happen. I don't want them to ever feel guilty about who they need to be. I just want to show them I love them for who they are. I don't need to take away anything from them to do that.

Finally, when I lay my head down that last time I want to be able to look in my fathers eyes and have him say well done, I love you, welcome home.

I just want to say to the people I know,
             I Love You,
        <- Ad Infinitum ->